Read between the résumé's lines

The talk of the town is that the economy is picking up. Most companies are in the hiring mode and job portals now have multitudes of résumés getting uploaded every day. While a résumé is meant to showcase the candidate’s skills, most of them turn out to be as funny as a Khushwant Singh joke book, unintentionally though. While I am no expert on writing résumés, I can for sure tell you what not to write it.

Every CV starts with a bit of your personal details in a letter pad format. The name and contact details of the candidate will suffice in the top portion. Avoid using logos of your previous organization or the political party you support. This is followed by the mandatory and ‘taken for granted’ Objective section. This column is usually meant to describe your career ambitions and preferred career path. Pity though that no one fills it up by them self and just do a Ctrl A, Ctrl C and Ctrl V from a friend’s résumé. This portion is generally filled with lofty statements, no short of an election manifesto. A typical IT professional’s objective would go like this, “To work in a highly challenging and stimulating environment which offers enormous scope for growth, innovation and new ideas”. In most cases this roughly translates to “The ungrateful superiors at my previous organization gave me peanuts for a hike and I want more money to pay the EMI for the home loan I took to buy my apartment located at a missile shooting distance from Bangalore airport”.

The most exploited part of your résumé is the skill set portion. Human nature is such that we blow up triviality into something awesome. A typical IT professional lists the programming languages he has worked on, heard about or read about its existence on the internet. A business person’s skill set would have Microsoft Office all split up and described in detail. Please note that if you know Microsoft Excel, just put it there. Detailing different versions of Excel under your skill only adds to the word count.

Every résumé features the set of projects a candidate has worked on. This is a tricky portion for an interviewer. Most candidates fill it up with execubabble aimed solely at making the content indecipherable. Sample this from an IT professional’s résumé “Worked on a comprehensive end to end project which offered utmost scope for communication with other end users offering immense challenge and space for creative ideas.” My guess is that it meant “I had an active Facebook and Orkut profile, while I was documenting my previous project”. The onus is on the interviewer to comprehend the truth behind the unintelligible text written in Times New Roman. While I am on it, I have a policy of hating résumés in Comic sans font. Remember this is a CV, not a cheap brochure detailing unlimited internet plans asking you to contact 'unlimited Shekar for more'.

Interviewers also have to be wary of self made acronyms by the candidate. So when a candidate says I worked on a NASA project, it could be referring to some Natwarlal and Sharma Agency at Gorakhpur. I sampled one résumé which said that a candidate had worked for ISROO which could easily be overlooked as ISRO.

Another clichéd résumé sham section is “Highlights and Past Achievements”. This section offers space for ostentatious projection of a candidate’s market value. Most CVs bullet point a list that starts with “Excellent Leadership skills” and rambles on. If a candidate does not justify how he can claim that he has the aforementioned quality, I would rather prefer reading a home loan pamphlet .I request candidates to note that 173 followers on twitter does not serve as an example of leadership . Organizing impromptu birthday celebrations for friends or Navarathri Kolu events for the housing colony does not qualify as a proof for Organizational skills either. Also, candidates need to make sure that mentioning trivial stuff in Past achievements adds no value. So a third prize in an intra school essay competition is better left unsaid on a résumé.

It is always better to make sure that your resume is as true to its ‘Times New Roman clad word’ as possible. More the brevity, better the résumé. Remember, the number of pages of a résumé is not proportional to the chances of you getting the top notch job. You are not replying to a show cause notice for heaven’s sake.

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Corporate Monkey, Match making,part 2

Read part 1 here

"Sabapathy does'nt bite" said Mr.vishwanathan as he came out from the hall. What? Did the dog jump like a surface missile towards the gate to give me a French kiss then. I knew they all bite, and Sabapathy would be no exception to that. Never trust dogs, and dog owners too.They all say the same thing, "tommy does'nt bite, jimmy does'nt bite, laser does'nt bite", but you never know until they come and grab a piece of you. And hell, where have I heard the name Sabapathy for a dog before. Mr. Vishwanaathan was wearing an yellow t-shirt with an IT company's name with a cliched tagline, which said 'delivering excellence'(probably gifted by an NRI IT guy). Mr.Vishwanathan tied the pomeranian monster to a corner just provding enough space for a normal BMIed man to walk without getting bitten by the son of a bitch(ya, literally he is one) . Saba looked dirty and reminded me of my old white pillow which had cotton coming out of it. He looked at me with anger and kept GRRRRRRing as a sign of intimidation as I entered his territory(which he had probably marked by peeing concentric circles around the house's corridor). " Ya, GRRR to you as well,", I thought as I waved a short goodbye with my hands . If only Mr.Vishwanathan had'nt been there, I would have shown the middle finger to the dog, keeping my tongue out like him as I did that. Clearly Saba did not like being provoked and kept grrring all along.

I entered the Vishwanathan home carefully with an eye behind me, lest Saba does not suddenly jump out and bite my posterior. Their home had the typical south indian feel with the noise of a cooker welcoming you, fried chilli to choke your breath as you enter the home, the smoke of aggarbathi from the puja room,hindu paper with the solved sudoku, various gods decorating the dining table, and a giant clock set 10 minutes ahead of IST(ya, we think doing this makes us race ahead the rest of India). I stood there waiting for someone to ask me to get seated. "Make yourself Comfortable" said mr.Vishwanathan as he entered the hall. I double checked Saba's absence in the room. Somehow the dog was bothering me.


A teenge boy looking around wearing a yellow star-wars t-shirt and a pink shorts, sporting uncombed hair entered the room. This is Arjun, my son , Mr.vishwanathan said . I shook hands and said "Gopal".The boy asked asked "waat?". "My name is Gopal" I said. "Let me get you something to drink" said Mr.Vishwanathan and headed to the kitchen. Arjun took his hands from the shakehand, gave no smile and sat on the sofa adjacent to me . He took the remote, tossed it from his right hand , caught it in his left and changed the channel to jetix. 5 masked people who I doubted were trans-genders were fighting a clunky fake,metal dragon. Arjun was giving a retard smile and enjoying the show. I was disinterested and I looked on their wall where a spider was caught my attention.

The spider walked in slowly and creeped near the housefly . Just when it made the final sprint, the housefly made a quick escape.I clapped my hands out of excitement for the housefly. Arjun looked bewildered,but thankfully got back to the TV. The spider's failed breakfast attempt reminded me that I was hungry. My stomach had already given me 2 audible missed calls indicating immediate food requirement. "Padma is getting ready" Mr.Vishwanathan said as he brought a glass of water for me and sat on a wooden chair directly opposite me. "Its hot in Chennai now" said Mr.Vishwanathan, make a lame attempt at smalltalk,as he sat. I nodded to his remark. "Saw the match yesterday? , CSK semma super. That Murali played superbly",he said. "Hmmmm, ya",I nodded. I am one of the few people in the country who dont watch cricket and think we save time not watching it, and here he was trying to break the ice with a cricket topic. "Well, uncle. I dont quite watch cricket", I said. He looked amused at that and blew a puff of air ("poof") as if I had read out a sardarji joke from my sms inbox.


An old lady walked out of one of the rooms slowly. "This is my mother, Ranganayaki", he said,getting up introducing me to her. "Hi", I said to her without even a slight application of mind on how to greet elderly people. She looked offended like I had sung racial slurs and gave a nasty look. She looked like the kind of lady who would charge me for obscenity if she saw me wearing shorts in public. She took another wooden chair and sat diagonally to me. The boy was still watching power rangers with keen interest, the dragon was dead by this time. Mr. Vishwanathan said"Let me check on Padma"."Sure uncle",I said. Its been 15 minutes since I walked into their home, and still she was'nt ready. 15 minutes to get ready??, man,I could get a Hippo dressed and ready with makeup in 15 minutes.

Arjun walked out of the house for some reason and I was left alone in the room, with grandma looking at me without blinking. I wondered if I should wave my hands before her face to confirm she was concious. "What was she taking that long for?",I thought. I had come to look for a date into their home, and here I was carbon dating her grandmother. I smiled at my own creative wordplay,as I thought that line. Granny saw me smile by myself and gave another serious offensive look which probably suggested that I needed to be whipped 1000 times and banished from Madras for smiling without reason. Mr.Vishwanathan still did not return from his hunt for Padma. Probably he was googling "where is my daughter" on his laptop. I was getting more and more uncomfortable with time, especially with inactive granny relentlessly staring at me. I got back to looking at the spider . "Ha, No way are you good enough for her dude. ", said the spider,venting his frustration on me. "Ya, you wish . But the girl is mine",I replied making lame trash talk with the spider. "Get rational dude ",spidey said.

Finally Mr.Vishwanathan arrived on the scene. His daughter clad in a white salwar, with some kind of black stuff painted around her eye region like someone had punched her black and blue on the face. She did not look as pretty as in the pic(I suspect a photoshop inside job there), nevertheless. "Hi", I said giving my most possible natural smile and not knowing whether to shake hands in front of the father or not."Hi, take your seat", she said with a smile . I heard something creek, and noticed Arjun walking inside the house. To my horror I found Sabapathy with him unchained. He looked at me and gave me a look which said "Ha, there you are . So who's your daddy now?". Saba took a gasp , moved back, grrred for second, and lept forward on me. I dont remember what happened then.

It must be around a minute later, when I got back to my senses and realized that I was on the floor. "He kicked the dog,how insensitive", said Padma. Saba was on the floor completely subdued, probably even unconscious. "Ha", I said out, unfortunately a little loud as I realized my triumph over Saba. The granny,father and Padma all gave equally vicious stares. Granny kept her palm on her mouth like she had won Miss.Asia Pacific 2010. Arjun was half interested in watching Jetix and rest interested in watching me get screwed up. Spider looked at me and said "Ha ha, ROFL dude",and gave me a wink. I realized I had become the villain there. They took Saba to the Vet and I followed along in my bike.The Vet informed them that I had kicked the dog hard on the collarbone and that he needed surgery. "Sorry, it was all impulse. I did'nt mean to do that. I will pay for his surgery",I said apologizing to Mr.Vishwanathan and Padma as we walked out of CICU(Canine ICU). "Thats alright",they said although they did'nt quite mean it. I bid them an uncomfortable goodbye and left on my bike.

I earned the wrath of the family, lost to a spider, kicked a dog , and worse skipped my breakfast for the day.

And that was the last time I heard from them .


One week later....

"Look at this profile"said Mr.AnanthaNarayan to his missus.He read out "Good photo. Profile says smart, ambitious boy, well paid, 28 years old seeking Tamil Brahmin girl preferably working in software. And Wait..err..look at this, 'Family with dogs prohibited'.".

P.S: Phew, Reduced the 3 post detailing to 2 posts finally which means compromise on detailing and story flow. Thanks for all the support. Do tell me if corporate monkey should be continued as a series.

Please do comment(positive/negative) on the series. Comments are the biggest motivation to me dedicating time to write. :)

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Corporate monkey:Match making Part 1

Disclaimer: For Pillayaar's sake, this story is fictitious . This is the story of Gopal Ranganathan aka "The corporate monkey" narrating it in first person.

I had the invite today to meet the Vishwanathans at Mylapore for breakfast, to get them acquainted to me. So here is the thing. The Vishwanathans found my shaadi.com profile to be the nearest match to their "Looking for a Tamil Brahmin, decent, well salaried boy from decent family" requirement. Frankly, while I found the requirement with the double 'decent' condition ridiculuous, I somehow liked the girl Padmaroopini Vishwanathan's plastic smile,inspite of her clearly seemeing uncomfortable before the camera. Her profile mentioned her as a fun loving, enthusiastic person with a positive outlook and that she worked for an IT firm (Heh, who does'nt work for an IT firm?). There was no other info or photo of her on her profile. Clearly her parents were operating her profile. I had received an interest from them a couple of days ago. Things moved fast and they had invited me over for breakfast just as a means for the family to get to know me.

Oh, yes . I am Gopal Ranganathan. A TamBrahm eligible bachelor staying at Triplicane ,Madras. My parents stay at Madurai and I came over to chennai for my livelihood 3 years ago. I am an archeologist and part time filmmaker. Oh, So you fell for that. I am just a routine software developer making my money writing java code, half stolen googling around the internet and half Ctrl+V'ing the existing code and renaming the variables. I am 27.895 years old and my secondary, just for fun,fake profile on shaadi.com goes something like this. "Tamil brahmin boy ,27 , fair and lovely , handsome ,earning a 5 digit salary with the left most digit being prime, seeks well educated, non ugly , working girl . Daughters of zamindars, industrialists, bollywood celebrities can also apply(Groom is willing to sit unemployed throught out life in that case)." 237 morons reported abuse on that profile. So I have to maintain a so-called decent profile of myself with my boring bio presented in Curriculum vitae format(including details of my wins at essay writing competitions featuring whole of 7th standard C section).

Oops,before I forget to mention, I am the monkey of the series " The Corporate monkey". Why am I called this? You will know .

It was 7 am which means I got up far too early from my usual waking time of 11.30 am . I had to meet Roopa Padmanathan's family ...err ... i meant Padma Roopnathan ... ok... whatever it was, I was still not fully awake and definitely not awake enough to remember the name. I switched on my laptop and logged into my gmail account. Logging into gmail and facebook after booting a pc comes involuntarily to you after a few months of employment. I noticed that I had 3400 unread emails. Here is the unwritten rule

if(number of emails in inbox> number of emails in spam)
{
System.out.println("Lame dude has subscribed to matrimonials or naukri.com/pornhub.com or all of the preceding");
}
I had created separate filters systematically on my mailbox. So it was classified the following way.
1.Tamil Matrimony
2.Kannada Matrimony
3. Pakistan dating online(Ya, I like their profile pics)
4. Naukri spam
5.Possible naukri non spam.

I went through 20 jeevansathi profiles and for pleasure sake checked out the profile of Hafza and Raheema from the Pak corner. It was around 8.20 am when I stopped wandering link after link after link. I had just enough time to be there by 9 am. So I took a quick shower, got myself dressed in my only set of ironed t-shirt and jeans, oiled my hair for the first time in 3 months and combed it in a dignified manner. I kick-started my bike and made my way through the grilling morning heat.


The city was already awake and bustling with activity. The auto drivers were plundering the roads early in the day with their subtle driving skills, wrong side driving, and the evergreen "vootla sollitu vandiya" yells( nearest translation is "Did you inform your kin before setting off from home ?"). I innovatively drove between two autodrivers , followed the chennai corporation garbage collection truck for 7 minutes without breathing and cleverly dodged a cab driver who was gifted with commonsense2.0 for opening the door to spit out beeda(paan) while he was on the drive.


It was around 8.50 am when I reached Mylapore . I started circling the Nehru colony's maze. It looked to me like I was inside a puzzle played by a clueless teenager. I had to ask the area iron-man(No,not the super-hero, the guy who presses the clothes) for the whereabouts of the address. He told me to take the third right after the second left near the house with the slanted cocunut tree. I thanked him and searched around the area driving. As I drove, I realized that ll of the houses had coconut trees and everything looked slanted to me. I bad mouthed iron man's parentage and dialled Mr.Vishwanathan's number sneaking my cell phone gently through my helmet and got the phone near my left ear. Vishwanathan gave me prominent understandable landmarks like street pumps, transformers and garbage cans which were on the way to his home.

I took the left to the urine-smelling transformer zone,the right next to the water pump which had created a puddle for mosquitoes to thrive in and took a lane opposite to the giant garbage can. I reached a yellowish pink home with the name Mr.Vishwanathan written on the outside wall and noticed that a crow had delicately decorated the 'i' and 's' of his name with its droppings. I parked my bike outside and headed off to the gate.

A white Pomeranian jumped out of nowhere catching me completely by surprise . Little did I then know that the dog would be the cause of all the evil that was to come by.


(To be continued...)


P.S: Require your views on this one. I will continue based on whether you guys like it or not.

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