Thursday, January 13, 2011

Curriculum Bournvitae-The resume making tutorial

I had already written about the farce that most résumé's contain in this refined and polished post. As anticipated, it generated as tremendous a readership as an editorial on Sudan's economy on the center page would. With encouraging feedback like "Hello! Can you tell me how i can register mail at google [url=http://google.com]google[/url] http://google.com ", I have decided to recycle the post.

I go through a dozen resumes every week at work and the first thought that comes to my mind is whether I should refer the candidate for a Veta course . The sad part is most of them are so out of place that they could keep Sidhu laughing until 2030. Hence for the benefit of the public, I present to you, without further ado, the complete tutorial for preparing a resume .






Let us take a sample guy's name. For political correctness and to avoid north south clashes and bus burning, let us name him "Senthil amit". Now Senthil Amit is a typical IT guy with 2-3 years experience, a modest skill-set and outrageous dreams of going abroad, becoming a CEO in 5 years, buying New Zealand and marrying Megan Fox. Let us now prepare a professional resume for him. The starting point is the header. The name and address go here.


For those unfamiliar with tamil, pothal kaadu refers to the area which was populated with dense vegetation and was the spot for people to answer nature's call. Before we beef it up , let us make it more auspicious.

You see what I did there. I applied turmeric and made it super auspicious. Now, we have to make sure evil eyes dont fall on the boy. Because in our country despite people being devoid of talent, we tend to blame evil eyes for lack of success in our lives.. So we need to put something that looks like an ogre, similar to the devils that we hang outside houses or automobiles costing over 10 lakh rupees.


There you go . We have made a powarful head-start. Let us now dwell into the details. Define all the keywords that would make google redirect to you, get you that CEO post and give you a shot at Megan fox.

With these keywords, google is all set to redirect to your resume . Considering that procreation is the only Indian form of recreation, your resume is guaranteed so many hits that it would be left with a black eye.

Now lets write one section that no one gives any excreta about : "The Objective". I leave it to you to fill it up with execubabble.

So far, so good. Let us now add some skill-sets. Here is where we need to fill up content with whatever little you know.


We are more than half way through to Megan Fox. Let us now add your project experience.

Following is a sample:


Description: I gained a lot of exposure through this project. This project involved extensive use of OOPS . So much that my manager used to say "OOPS, we are screwed. Bigtime!" everyday . I have also won several awards like "Best client money milker" , which is the param veer chakra of my company.

College projects:
Girls hostel periscope
Description: Enabling lovers to chat without the warden busting us and thereby saving bribe money,this project went on to become a superhit. Using Wifi connection and face recognition technology, it made sure that a guy cannot converse with anybody else apart from his girlfriend, thereby ensuring fidelity.


Now, a little bit of personal info about your age, DOB, passport number and ration card details(note: need not mention monthly purchases from ration shop).

Finally list down your hobbies. I ll write down a sample to convinience you.

Finishing touch. Add whatever you have published .



Now add the portion where you swear that whatever you said was true.
And then, we are done. Well, hold on. something is missing.

How is it Indian if it does not contain any message for others?

Download the full image of this post here.

Cheers,


P.S: Happy new year everybody. I solemnly swear that I ll write regularly this year.




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12 comments:

Parameshwar Ramanan said...

Welcome again!
Back with a (Da)baang!!
Excellent n hilarious post! We can relate us to it at few instances!!

Premnath Thirumalaisamy said...

Nice post.

Sunil said...

Anna! Suuuuuuuperrrrrrrrrrrrr...

Sunil said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unknown said...

Super na.... resume pathu parthu romba feel pannirukenga pola...

S said...

@Paramesh Really nice compliment . Thanks.

@Sankar Thanks man.

@Prem Thankoo Machi,

@Sunil :) Thanks pa.

@Anirudh Yes pa. Total waste of time every week.

Unknown said...

very nice na,
final touch superrrrr
one family one child....

Anand said...

Ha.. Ha.. Dats Typical Narsi anna.!!

A long wait for this comment indeed..!! :)
Let not the last line dissolve into thin air as a part of our regular New year resolutions.

S said...

@Shiva
Thanks Shiva.

@Anand
Thanks Anand. And I pray I follow what I have written.

Anonymous said...

Hello people, nice chat board I have found It positively accommodating & it's helped me so much
I hope to be able to contribute & guide others like this forum has helped me

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Divya said...

One of the best blogs I have stumbled upon. After going through a lot of random blogs, most of which I felt were culminations of "I'm trying really hard to be interesting and funny, so laugh and get engrossed",(not that they were really bad), your blog was just pure, sheer, effortless fun. I couldn't stop laughing. Made my week. Thanks. :D

P.S : I do believe every kid must have the right to choose his/her own haircut. My present desire for experimentation probably stems from being denied that right as a kid. I got used to the 'drug abuse rehab' look and the name-calling (pomeranian dog). My inner voice has a comeback for that - "They're just jealous." :)

Anonymous said...

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