Communication and the internet in India

Year 985AD,
King Raja Raja Chola Puri of Madurai wakes up after his deep sleep. Still yawning, he slowly walks up to his balcony with the twig in his mouth and a glass of Pakistani Inzamambazham fresh mango juice. Sipping juice he checks his balcony rim for new p-mails. There were 2 pigeons holding a chit each in their claws. He opens them one by one. One of them was from TamilPolygamy.com which offered a marriage refferal to add to his collection of wives. The other one referred Queen Shakeelam Devi from Kerala through MohanlalMatrimony.com. Meanwhile 4 different crows appeared on the rim of his balcony with their own chits. He opened them to find out that they were from random foreigners who sold Rolex watches or Performance enhancement herbs. "Maanamketta Spammergal(Shameless spammers)", he abused in pure Sangha Tamil,thereby venting his frustration ,shooing away the crows.

Postal Communication

A few centuries later, particularly in 1900s, people started using the postal means of communication. Letters were written throughout India with bad grammar and language . Auspicious letter had turmeric at the sides. Indians joined the party sending letters like"Send this letter to 5 people or one of your 20 kids will get lost in the Kumbh Mela". The most popular letter format was the inland letter, famously called "England letter" in TamilNadu. Emergency communication was all cryptic and telegrammed to people. A sample death notification telegram went like this, "Grandpa and Anacin expired. Bring Anacin and Ambulance".Because telegrams were charged on the number of words, people tried to squeeze in maximum content like this, "Happy married life,diwali,pongal,thiruvalluvar day.congrats its a boy. Or a girl.".

Vocal Communication

The invention of telephone changed everything. Indians had a telephone operator who used to plug wires and connect to people. STD rates were too high for the average aam aadmi, and Indians had to rattle off the words quickly and loudly to pass information via an STD call. A sample telephone STD call at a telephone booth went like this "Hi, How are you?Are you fine?I am fine?Regards to your family.How is Kasturi and her 7 sisters?Bunty stop pulling my Pyjama. Ok. Bye."(slaps Bunty,then buys him a Melody chocolate).

1990's and the internet

The early and mid 90s saw a lot of technological change in the US and hence it reflected in the late 90s in India. Indians started becoming engineers and landed themselves in US. The first internet connections appeared in India. Internet spreads like mildfire. Everybody got a dialup connection with a modem that produced Vuvuzela like cacophony . People start reading news on the internet and gossiping with others on the internet. Things started changing and even Palkaarans(milkmen) started accepting paypal payments .

Indians displayed their creative prowess in email with some fantastical email ids called coolganesh95@aol.com, jollyprasad@hotmail.com, situl_coolblitzer_terminator@hotmail.com. The patriotic dudes took ids like ramesh1947_india@hotmail.com and sardarpatelfan@rediffmail.com. Now in the current day,most of the email address are already taken and you need to insert a combination of names of your ancestors for 14 generations,your mobile number and some Indus valley civilization characters to get yourself an email id.

Messenger

The growth of the internet paved way to usage of Yahoo messenger for IM. People started using the new internet lingo of shortening words and talking to each other. All the guys disguised as girls with feminine email ids and would ping girls asking their A/S/L. Hence it became a giant cycle of guys in chatrooms talking to other guys ,each one presuming the other one is a girl.

Matrimony

Match making started happening on the internet and facilitated people to apply caste bias in the virtual world. Seperate sites were created for TamilMatrimony, KannadaMatrimony, OriyaMatrimony, SaravanaBhavanHighclassvegmatrimony, MuniyandiVilasMatrimony etc. Later portals were dedicated to modern sub castes like TCSMatrimony, WiproMatrimony and InfyMatrimony. The Khap panchayats started the SameGothraMatrimonyandhounourkilling.com.

The social networking era-Orkut and the Orkutiya

The post 2005 was an exciting surge for the Indian internet user. Broadband connections came into picture in India. 2005 also saw the introduction of Orkut in India. Orkut was a trend in itself with every Indian creating an orkut account. All the stalkers of India joined Orkut and they were quite popularly known as the Orkutiyas. The Orkutiya spoke in bad English,stalked girls and vigorously searched Orkut for fraands. The orkutiya had some profound status messages.

Then he sent girls "fraandship requests" and scrapped them.

He misunderstood what the word testimonials meant.

And he joined some thought provoking communities.

And he succeeded in stalking girls thereby making friends with girls who have pictures of a teddy bear, Koala bear or a picture of a baby.

Facebook

The more intellectual and the Yo Yo guys were on facebook and they shared some really important status updates .

I have a lot more to write about facebook. More about that in my future post called "Deshbook".

Twitter

Like there were'nt enough avenues to waste time on the internet, somebody invented twitter and it has been spreading shallowness all across the internet. Twitter is a micro blogging sites where celebrities talk to themselves, give updates on their gym schedule and give flying kisses saying "Muaaah ma tweeps".

Twitter also has space for retarded child celebrities.

And twitter always had space for bile.

*The End*

P.S: I will finish aloo-tikkipedia and also start writing a series of such informative and wisdom imparting essays. Thanks as always.

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Aloo Tikkipedia-Chennai part 1

Dear fellow Indian who hails from the North,
Greetings. Howdy? First of all, sorry for the fact that your company has posted you to Chennai(chinnai mein posting hai saala, as you say it to your friend on phone) and that you are forced to be here for the heck of earning money. But Chennai is not that bad a place as you presume it to be. I am saddened that you have such a bad impression on Chennai. Ok, I agree the place is hot and the girls are not. I know your mother is sad that you looked as healthy as Rishi Kapoor when you left for Chennai and came back looking as skinny as Ranbir Kapoor . I am amused when you order "Butter Chickaan" at Saravana bhavan and get astounded when you see that there is an item called "14 idlis " on the menu card. I understand your curiosity when you ask if mini idlis have holes in them likes polo, and when you wonder what fried Vada has got to do with the place called VadaPalani.

While I know you have not been liking Chennai and making jokes like these.

Tamilian:Tamil teri ma.

Sardar: Punjabi tera baap.

to which RajniKanth made a reply joke

Seth: Kaun hai

Rajni: Boss da , kenae(fool).

Enough is enough and lets all make peace with each other. There are ways to make life easier at Chennai. As a socially,morally, politically and environmentally responsible blogger and an undercover superhero, I will henceforth write a series of informative essays for you to convinience your stay at Chennai and remove any inhibitions of this place that you have and also help good relations between North and South.

I noticed that the wikipedia page is boring and less informative. Hence here is Virtualjunk's Aloo-Tikkipedia page on Chennai.

The reason why Chennai does not suit you is the fact that people here do not know Hindi as such. The little Hindi we know include "hindi nahi maalum" and "Hum aapke hain kaun". We also use "Kuch Kuch sabji hota hai", when we want extra sabji at the Bihari chat stall. However if you bank on that and try talking to a layman in Chennai , he may only be able to sing "Choli ke peeche kya hai", in response to your hindi rattling. Hence learn the basics of Tamil . Atleast ones like "Taaamil teriyadhu" and"Kunjum Kunjum".



Geography,History and Zoology of South India

Unlike popular belief at your place that anything under Maharashtra is called Madras and people hence are Madrasis, the south is divided into 4 states- TamilNadu,Karnataka,Kerala and Andhra Pradesh. TamilNadu was the place Idlis were invented and great scholars like Sir.C.V.Raman and Ramanujam hail from. Karnataka shares a border with TamilNadu and both these states fight over river Cauvery. Karnataka is a sweet state and adds jaggery to anything that is edible. Kerala meanwhile, is a tourist place and this is where Coconuts come from . Also known for its high literacy and youtube relevance for hot videos, Kerala needs no more introduction. Andhra is where andhra meals come from and where Gongura chutney and Gun powder(not an explosive) were invented. Andhra involves a significant contribution to IITs and Microsoft(do a search at Microsoft and who knows, even Steve Balmer may have been from Nellore or Golconda).


The 4 different languages spoken are Tamil,Telugu,Malayalam and Kannada. A brief example on how these languages differ from one another. Take a sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog". Lets now translate that into all the languages.

Telugu
"The quick brown fox gaaru jumped over the lazy dog loo". (*Not that loo)

Malayam
"The quick brown foox jembed, jembed and jembed over the lazy doog. Then it realized it was a strike as usual at Kerala and it stopped jembing. Finally it wend to gelf for embloymend."


Kannada
"The huick hrown hox had Mysore masala dosa and humped over the lazy hog. One and half meter charge for humping after 8.30 pm.

Chennai Tamil
"The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog after the morning idly and filter coffee. The lazy dog shouted "Kaide, Kasmaalam. Voottaanda solltu vanttiya"(Tamil version of WTF)."

Ok, Now that you are familiar with the South., let us move our focus back to Chennai's vitals now.


Transportation

Long ago a war was being waged between Deceptons and Auto-bots on the planet of Cybertron. The Auto-bots hid in earth at the eastern coastal city of Chennai since 1960s and were being generally driven by impolite gentlemen. The Autobots are known for their reckless driving and abusive words. Known for mercilessly taking cuts,turns and U-turns at inappropriate locations and charging a sum that amounts to a hijack ransom, the Auto-bots turned pretty notorious and gained bad reputation over time. Evolution kicked in and share-autobots came into picture, which have a deceptively large seating capacity and charged pretty less. Together they are the Transformers. But because an average drunk Indian perceives a Transformer to be a peeing zone, they are too scared to transform themselves at night.

Ok, spoof apart. I know how much you go through the auto menace especially if you are Northy and do not know Tamil. The driver would say that reaching Adyar from the Railway station consists of a sequence of one-ways and the shortest route is via Pondicherry . And then you sell off your mansion in Patiala to pay for the Auto. However once you are acclamatized to the routes , travelling by bus and share autos becomes a routine for you and travelling should not be a hassle.

Climate
Well, as the old adage goes, Cows give out milk powder and hens lay Omlette in chennai. You need to bathe twice in Chennai generally to keep off the sweat. IT companies see a surge in number of people working overtime and on weekends during summer for the sole purpose of air-conditioning. Drainage leaks and low lying zones make the rainy season worse too.


Intersection with the North

Though relations have been strained between the North and South over a prolonged period, things are getting better now. Cultural ties have been getting better since Sridevi danced in the rain with Anil Kapoor in Mr.India,later marrying Boney Kapoor and since HemaMalini married Dharmendra. Out of market actresses from North India have made a mark in the Tamil film industry. In our movies, most of them fall in love with a mechanic who hails from a village and comes to Chennai to avenge his evil uncle and his son, for his father's death(shown in a flashback, visuals all negative).

Kushboo, Simran and Jyotika to name are a few of the pioneers who made a mark in the industry so far. Kushboo even has a variety of idly named after her and the legal process is on to prefix Tamanna before Idiyyapam. Most of them marry and settle down here bridging ties further. Few years ,2 kids and a divorce later, all of them act as the protagonist,bold, oppressed female in Mega serials spanning 8 to 10 years.


Food
Ok, again you might have known how popular Saravana Bhavan is to the food supply chain of Chennai. Saravana Bhavan is Chennai's most popular restaurant and has 20 plus branches in Chennai and branches across Dybai,Abu Dabhi, Chicago,Alaska,North Pole, Moon and Mars. Rumours are that Neil Armstrong had 7 taste Utthapam at Sarvana Bhavan after landing at the moon and then he washed his hands at the basin which said 'Please dont comb hair in front of mirror'. There is a conspiracy theory video which shows that if you listen intently, you can overhear "Saarrukku oru barotta parcel(one parotta parcel for sir)" when Neil said "One step for man and a giant leap for mankind".

A few scientific principles that might help you avoid a surprise at a South Indian restaurant.

Lemma 2.1

Chappathi of chennai = Plain paratha of North India.

Lemma 2.1.1

Parotta of Chennai != Paratha of North india.

Lemma 2.1.(1.5)

Mini idlies do not have a hole in them.

Lemma 2.2

SaravanaBhavan=Pure Veg hotel,no Butter Chicken.

(To be continued. ..)

P.S: Thanks for the great response to the IRCTc post. Also, Complaints that my posts are PG-13, sorry for that. Will write better henceforth so that you can read it with your family and kids.

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