Dummies guide to IRCTC

It is never easy to get a railway ticket in India. Remember those days when you had to wake up early, hurriedly brush your teeth and be at the Railway station before 8 am, only to find a long single queue split into four and converging at a tiny window . You endure sweaty people cramming for space,people who borrow your pen and sneak it away conveniently(Even if you gave them the pen without the lid),people who create a brawl claiming they were there in the queue and went away for a pissbreak.You endure all the arguments,make small talk on how bad Indian Railway service is and listen to people suggesting how Sachin should have played the previous night.And finally the moment arrives, you reach the tiny counter to find a worked up,depressed lady clad in dull coloured saree, who looked like she had never smiled since she joined duty. The tiny windows counter is only enough for 3 fingers, and you croon your neck to make sure you are able to speak to the lady whilst you endure loathesome strangers giving you shoulder push from the sides. After all that, you come out and find out that your ticket is in waiting list 220.

Now you can forget all that. Because here comes,wait...hold your breath....IRCTC. So for beginners ,here is the dummies guide to IRCTC.

What is IRCTC?

IRCTC offers a genuine Indian ticket booking experience. There is waiting, there is more waiting, then there is frustration,there is scratching yourself,there is hope and then there is dismay at the end when you find that you are not able to book tickets. Altogether a great emulation of real life ticket booking scenario.

Great. Lets get started!

Ok, Here are the starting steps

1. Open your browser and type irctc in the address bar.

2. If you do not know what a browser means , open another browser and google "What is a browser?". Do not get distracted when google gives you intriguing suggestions like"What is a blouse?". You may end up having a delightful time,in turn forgetting your ticket conquest you set out for

Anyway, the site responds with utmost speed and pukes this.

Nothing to feel disheartened about. Press Refresh from your browser. Now you will get this .

This is as per design and intention. Now keep doing this and after some 2 x 10^20 attempts,during which you might develop arthritis and or become a leper, the page finally loads.

It takes a humongous amount of time for the page to load. What should I do in the meantime?
Ok, Here are some of the things you could do while you are waiting for IRCTC to load.

• Look out for traces of beer in Mars and make sure human life is possible there.


• Listen to Atal Bihari Vajpayee speak.


• Contemplate doing a pHD.


• Repeat Gayathri mantra 10000008 times even though it may not be avani avittam.


• Sue IRCTC in Indian High court and wait for the verdict.


• Watch Jodha Akbar twice.


• Write Sri Rama Jayam on paper. When the website is loaded, you have enough pages written to reply to a show cause notice.



• Take up sanyaas and sit under a a coconut tree for enlightenment. Atleast you may end up rediscovering gravity if a coconut falls on your head.


• Or you could disconnect and get a life and a girlfriend.

The page has loaded now.Finally!
Great! you are getting lucky today. Now you will see something like this.

And another set of options like this.

*Note Clicking on the "Get Laid at Egmore" popup shows this

This lady has single handedly installed malware in several male PCs. By the way, if you thought you could find Jennifer Aniston at Egmore , well, you deserve the virus.

How do I book the tickets?
Ah, yes. Click on 'Plan my travel' now. Until the page loads, go empty your bowels and come back. Now that your intestine is unloaded and the page is loaded, you will find this on the screen.

Here select the source and destination of travel, your gothra, ,ticket type and class.

If you are a mallu, please note that Gelf is not in India and IRCTC does not provide train services there. Also note, if you choose Thackerey express to reach Mumbai, both from and to have to be 'Mumbai'. Thackerey express safeguards Marathi culture and prevents outsiders into Mumbai. The train nimbly takes a U turn from platform 1 of Mumbai CST and reaches platform 6 in 5 minutes. The train timings can be found on Samna .

Whats next?

Select your passengers list now. You can enter only six people in the list .So in case you have a large joint family, daughter in laws are requested to create a rift amongst family members and seperate and then proceed to book tickets. Consult Ekta Kapoor for suggestions.

Note :

Filling up the passengers list as

"Name: Dhanno 22 litres, age 13, sex female " and bringing a cow onto the compartment is strictly prohibited(unless you are one amongst Laloo's nine children or Laloo himself.)

Regarding the choice of berth IRCTC takes care that tall people get Side upper berth, senior citizens get upper berth and infants get rooftop berth. Then,the TTR does a massive swap operation which is as difficult to understand as a Thermodynamics IIT problem.

Right,How do I pay the money and finish it off?
Now that you have got everything right , click on Go and then Make Payment.

You have multitudes of payment options like net banking, phone banking,iPod banking, debit card,credit card, ,sodexho coupons etc. The option "Pluck and debit from my garland" can only be availed by Mayawati.

Now select your bank ,click confirm Payment and select finish. You will see this on your screen.

Make sure you don't press anything or touch anywhere . IRCTC now takes you to a page with sumptuous information and this page stands out as the epitome of end user friendliness.

Confused?? Obviously yes, you do not know what happened to your transaction from the blank page. IRCTC has been diligently designed as a foolproof system,by a team comprising of experienced fools, where the status of the transaction is not visible to the naked eye. There are cryptic codes in the document which are invisible . We consulted noted cryptologist Van Drown who said this on seeing the page

"I have seen this page and have conducted quite a lot of insightful research on it. This page seems to have hidden dots which connect the text "Mama Biscothu" and "govinda govinda". I believe this is a startling revelation and will lead to new discoveries of certain hindu gods being gay. More on that in my next book "Dalda Vinci told".

-Van Drown.

What can I do next?

You could take the author's lead and do this.

Now you are good to go and face the ruthless portal.

*THE END*

P.S:

This post is intended as a mild satire and does not intend to malign IRCTC. As a reader pointed out, IRCTC is the best thing that Indian Railways has done and does work smoothly except at non peak times.

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6th standard B-part 3, The finale

Read part 1 here and part 2 here

Same Day,7.25pm, My Coimbatore residence

I was in a Do or Die situation. I was pondering hard over whether I should narrate the happenings of the day to my parents and fall into safe zone. With a hazy mixture of thoughts running all over my head, I could not concentrate on my evening dose of Cartoon network episodes comprising Centurion,Swat Kats,Mask and Johnny Bravo. I heard the sound of the Bajaj chetak, and I saw my father reached for the clamp holding the gate. I had a shallow feeling run through my stomach. I quickly changed the channel to NDTV and turned off the TV set(crime with no traces). I sprinted to my room, desperately searched for my bag and grabbed out the first textbook that I could pull out of my bag,which had notes and books crumpled as if it were the aftermath of a drunken pub brawl between the notebooks and the textbooks.



It was my Hindi book and I opened a random page and sat on my chair. The edges of the page were folded out of mishandling(which was called dog's ears) .Some other pages had missing edges, owing to my paper eating habits when I am bored. My dad came inside my room and leaned over from behind. I turned my neck to look at his face. "Did you work out Maths today?", he asked. "No dad. Yet to.", I replied with a pinch of hesitation. "Hmmm. Better start on Maths . If you are good in Maths, you will be successful in life. If you neglect Maths, life will neglect you and you will be begging in streets",he ended in a morbid tone and left the room. I imagined myself begging on the streets. I wanted to beg in foreign countries if I ever became a begger. I opened the Atlas and circled the list of countries where I would beg. 15 minutes of shortlisting and a late realization that Andaman is not a foreign country, I closed the Atlas and got off my chair.




I went to the dining room and decided to let out the truth. "I had a really bad day today at work. There was an audit issue in office",I overheard my dad talking to my mom over dinner. I summoned courage and muttered "Dad". "There is no salt in the Sambar", my dad said in a cribbing manner. Salt in the Sambar is a delicate South Indian male ego issue. He then turned to me and asked,"You wanted to say something". "Err...No. nothing.",I replied ."I have got something for you. Go check it out in my office bag". "Oh Great. It must be cup cakes. ",I thought and ran over to the bag. I opened the main zip and found lots of one sided paper with Syndicate bank letters on the other side. "Its for working out Maths", my dad said . "Great, enough paper to eat for a month",I grumbled to myself.

9 am,Neem tree,Shri Nehru Vidhyalaya

I called for a huddle amongst our suspended gang to discuss the plan of action before we met princi.

Pradeep(hanging along a branch): Chaiyya Chaiyya Chaiiyaa Chaiiyaa chal Chaiiya Chaiiyya Chaiiyaa

Me: Look, We have to plan on something. Our principal 'Nut'(short for Natrajan) is going to 'screw us today.

Sundar: Nut and screw , He He.Nice hardware joke.

Me *snapping Sundar*:Should we forfeit and accept that we all did it.?

Amit: No, That way we all have to bring our parents to school. I don't want to do that.

Sandeep: Amit is right only da. They always threaten like this. But they don't take any action. We will just remain silent and not reply.

Sundar: For how long?? At some point we have to speak only no.

Kuldeep: Hey, Two ants were having lunch on a tree. An elephant jolted towards the tree and one of the ants fell on the elephant. What did the other ant say?

Me: Kuldeep!!!, Shut up!!! Talk serious.

Sundar : I am going to testify and convict Pradeep. Why should all of us get caught, when he has done the wrong thing? I even did'nt know madher**** was a bad word.


PRadeep: No, You wont tell on me to the principal.

Sundar : I will.

Pradeep: I am going to slap you.

Sundar: I am going to....errr... I am going to complain to my mother today evening.


Sandeep: Sundar, You will not speak anything there.


Pradeep turned over to me and said "I think I am going to be conceived by Sundar today." "Did you mean 'deceived today'?",I responded abruptly in 0.07 seconds, emulating what Google made into a feature in a few years. Sundar said in a baleful tone "Pradeep deserves this. He did wrong. He will be punished today and also god will poke his eyes." It was getting serious. God poking our eyes was not as funny as poking your friends on facebook these days. Pradeep tighented the bangle around his arm and said,"Oh , you are cursing me now! Come da, lets teach him a lesson.". I was angry too and the prospect of punishing Sundar was tempting me. Sandeep and Kuldeep joined in. We formed a circle around Sundar. Pradeep slowly lifted his arm giving himself a suitable buildup. I did the same. The deeps followed suit.


We all raised our arm and converged on Sundar. Pradeep and I started tickling him in his stomach. Sandeep,Kuldeep and Amit divided the area of sundar's armpits amongst themselves and started tickling him there. "Guhahaha Guhahaha Guhahaha",Sundar laughed like a monster periodically taking breaths and exuding phlegm through his nose. We continued for 2 minutes non stop, till his laughter turned into hiccups. Sundar screamed,"Ok, I wont. I wont. I wont tell that Pradeep did it.". Pradeep clasped his hands and said,"Enough, we have taught him a lesson".We all walked away from the scene of action.

Kuldeep suddenly said,"The answer is ,the other ant shouted,'Come on, stamp and kill that fat rascal.'". It took us 10 seconds to co-relate what he said. There was a huge eruption of noise,"Guhahaha Guhahaha" and we were all rolling on the floor laughing(abbreviated to ROFL post the instant messaging era.)

10.15 am,Principal's room,

Princi was sunk into a set of green coloured papers. He looked into his papers and asked with sheer contempt at us,"So who amongst you placed the safety pin on the teacher's chair?". We looked at each other. He had forgotten what we were here for. This meant that we could have escaped even if we had not even appeared today. And man, What was he doing with all these investigations, Was he the principal of a school or chief of Crime Branch?

Pradeep replied,"Sir, we are from the bad words group". "Excellent articulation of thoughts. He could'nt get a better name. Urgh, the bad word group",I thought to myself.Princi asked trying to recollect," What bad word?" . Sandeep instantly said,"madher**** sir". I could not believe what happened there. Sandeep had just spoken an abusive word inside principal's room. Pradeep realized this as a rare opportunity to speak abuse at this room and he also joined in repeating,"madher**** sir". Princi gave us all a stern look and said,"Hmmm, the bad word group, Are you?. I am not letting you go today. Who wrote the bad word on the board?"

We were all prepared for this . All of us stayed silent. Sundar kept his finger on his lips and I slapped his hand for that. The deeps gave him a casual look. For them visiting the Principal room was like going for a carnival. Just another adventure in their eventful schooling life. "The bad word was written by whom?", princi asked us again. Changing the question to passive voice had no effect on us and we all maintained our silence. "hmmm, Gangster unity ,eh!". He pointed at me and said,"Come sit next to me in this chair.".

My heart was pounding. I walked slowly towards his chair. Images of begging in India went past my eyes. I was partly worried that I did not even have a plate with me to beg when I walk out of school. I grabbed the chair and sat next to him. Princi said,"This is the TC form. I am going to fill it for you . Everyday I am going to give Tc to one of you until you admit. I will personally fill up this form . Take it to your parents and bring it to me the next day." Kuldeep asked,"Sir, But tommorow is Saturday. It is leave, no sir." .Principal replied in irritation to this logical query,"Next working day I meant.".

Princi asked looking directly into my eye,"Your name??". I replied,"Sir,please sir". Princi mocked,"Oh, is that your name?". Pradeep found it funny and grinned. I was devastated . I stayed silent. Tears rolled out of my eyes. A slideshow of me begging the streets of some town in Himachal Pradesh kept rolling around me. I did not want to get TC and become a begger. My ambition was to become the colony barber. I liked to see barbers cut hair and shave people's cheeks. I could not let this ruin my hairy ambitions. I looked at at my friends. Everyone looked at me intently. Sandeep and kuldeep were trying to tuck out each others shirts from their pants. Sundar looked like he had to pee. Pradeep gave me a grin and winked at me.


I blurted out unable to control myself and burst out saying,"Saaar,It was Pradeep sir. He only writing it on the boaard saar". Emotions and tears choked my voice and vocabulary. Princi got up and clapped for 10 seconds. He was probably applauding himself for the breakthrough discovery . I got up still sobbing. "Everybody except Pradeep leave this room now",princi announced. We all walked out. Nobody spoke anything . I was ashamed of myself. Even Sundar seemed a better human being than me now.

It was two days after the incident and Pradeep had not spoken a word. I was relieved though that he did not tickle and punish me. Pradeep's parents met the principal and they were given some warning and stuff. I tried to apologize to Pradeep in the bathroom , but he just walked away without washing his hands.

No, I did not save Pradeep from a burning building or his family from a car accident for him to forgive me. All it took was one week for Pradeep to forgive me . I got 1 rupee pepsi for him for the next 10 days along with Alpenliebe(called Applensialable by him.)


October 1998,Mrs.Pandian's class.

Mrs.Pandian was patiently drawing a cactus on the board. We, 'The bad word boys' were seated on a single row. We all held the next person's hands waiting in despair. And then, suddenly everyone turned their head around looking outside the window. The noise of a 5000 wala from the bathroom disrupted the entire school. "Dam Dhoom Bus , padaal damaal",the deeps made noise in tune with the 5000 wala. Kuldeep inapprropiately joined in with the "Dhiskoom Dhiskoo Dhishkoom" sound.


12 years later.

Amit S, is a respectable Software developer keen in technology. He works in a company whose name is the anagram of the acronym of "Men In Black". He makes free time at work and during his free time at home writes apps for Chinese DVD players and cell phones which come with no warranty. He blogs here.


Sundar is a fictitious character formed out of all the Dorks you see in school life.

Deep brothers are wonderful people ,really genuine at heart. They now own a computer hardware store called Arihant computers. They give 'yours truly' a big discount on PC hardware. In case you want to buy hardware at Coimbatore , I will refer you to Arihant computers. Beware of bad words or unanticipated ticking during the conversation with them though . :)

Yours truly is also a software developer and also presumes he can write. He serves a huge fanbase on the blogosphere comprosing of 5 regular readers(incuding himself thrice) and others who land up on this blog searching for porn(Blame it on that google thingy).

"All is well"

*The End*

Disclaimer: 40% truth 60% fiction. Many school friends are reading this post(analytics says so) and this post is not meant to offend anyone at school including students and teachers.

P.S:

There is a like button is there now. :)

Next planned is a series of corporate mockery.

My gratitude to those who read my posts and give me great opinions . The 5 hours I put behind each post seems worth it when I get reader opinion(both positive and negative).

Ok, I know what you are thinking. I ll cut the crap in the P.S section henceforth.

Click to read fully!